Unravelling the Layers
Lately, there has been the bitter sweet happenings in my life. Events that have pushed itself to their limits to the point when enough is enough with the imminent endings so clear to apprehend. Realising that you have tried too hard, so hard, that it begins to hurt. It suffocates you, leaving yourself in endless tears with the festering wounds in your heart.
There is nothing you can do tto comprehend the situation that you are in but to follow the faith and the guts that you have been feeling. When all is no avail, you have let it go and leave it into the hands of the unseen.
Sometimes, some things are meant for you to stop trying. Take a breather, as much as you need to allow yourself to grow stronger then before and be more certain of yourself.
It is about time that I come out of my shell and be more comfortable being in my own skin. I have friends whom own very big dreams, which left me to thinking about myself, about what I want and the things that I want to achieve in life. At first, I feel small and inferior, that I didnt have a dream or that mine was a simple one. Well, I can't help it that mine is different. It is not about chasing the richness of the world neither bringing my skill/potential into a whole new level. A different dream doesn't mean that it is cliche. I dream a different dream. It does not mean that I am simple, neither does it mean that I am complacent.
My dream is to lead a decent life to settle down with the one I truely love. To live life filled with content. Myabe I might not do much great things in my life. But to live it, is great enough.
I know that everything is falling into its rightful places. All we need is patience. Well you have it, while I don't. It is hard, very hard. One minute it is there the next minute it is not. Give me a chance to breathe again to be familiar with myself and my surroundings so that I can know where I am and what I am feeling for you. My love has stretched for quite a while. Give me that chance to miss you once again. If the past is done, wounds are healed and I can breahthe as much as my heart and soul can. I would love you just as much as you love me, with no qualms in my heart. I am free to love you. If it doesnt happen... All I can say is everything will be alright. As sad as it is, we must remind ourselves that we will eventually find our own happiness. And I would love to see that happening to you. Cause even if it is gone, a piece me has gone to you before and I dont intend to take it back. It is not meant to be returned. That means there is still a little love left in there, just for you because you have been apart of me before. Thank you for being my Gurdian Angel.
* 10:42 PM
In Dedication To You...Have anyone warned you that you are about to explode at any moment after listening to your woes that you kept so deep in your heart? If so, what would be your sentiments? Would exploding bring a positive or negative outlook? Most of the time when someone who console you mentions about your impending explosion of your bottled up feelings, it refers to you loosing your mind or going insane. But for me, otherwise, exploding is a sense of relieving yourself from all that pain, hurt and stress. Exploding has, both it positive and negative effects. However, if you would notice, the positive form of exploding has a silent shadow cast upon it which grows along the way. If it grows too big, this shadow rages and swallow it.
I used to be that girl, the girl who bottled up her feelings. In situations when it gets too emotional, I would suck it in and tell myself in a high-pitched-fake-happy-voice to smile. And seriously, I was quiet good at it then. But now things are different when he came into my life. When I am down and preferred to hide in my cave he lured me out and held my hand, promising me great happiness. I was reluctant initially, hesitant about going with the flow by letting myself go so he could take care of me. Yet the persuasive talks bring me to trust him. And therefore till today, I depend on him. He care for me by allowing me to spill my tears. To explode and overflow profusely. Thats when tearing became so easy. Thats when tears become a sign of dependence, a sign of relief. From then on, it became a vicious cycle. Each time I get upset, I would not suck it in and give a big smile, I would just tear and cry and try to get things my way. Tears of relief becomes an addiction like consuming alcohol to make yourself feel better. I am not proud of this. It is sad to say that, I am not good at handling my emotions. And how shameful can that be... To an extent, that before the bottle could be filled to the top, to full brim, I poured it all out emptying it all over again. This is called low tolerance. And so, I have low tolerance towards everything. I became short tempered, sad and happy as and when I wanted to like the winds changing its direction...
Hurt... People say that when we get hurt, it teaches us to be stronger and our hearts will heal. Well I beg to differ. Getting hurt will only bring you immunity but not strength. The reason being when people associate hurt with strength because hurt teaches you a lesson never to make the same mistake again. But on the other it doesn't teach you to make the same mistake again. You become immune because you avoid making the same mistakes. Because most of the time when you get hurt you will avoid it, synonym to the phrase, " once bitten, twice shy". But it has never occurred to you the same mistakes that reappears again was left there for you to overcome it.
Maybe I am just talking crap. But there are some things that I've learned have never remind me them. So I this crap is just a reminder for me, to be strong and be bold.
* 12:53 PM
Last Saturday...
It has been ages since I last updated... As we all know this is the month of fasting, a month of pure MAJOR abstinence and also the oppottuniy to rekindle ones relationship with family and friends.
Mommy, I've been a very good girl since I started fasting... I swear...
Last Saturday I had a great outing with the DUDES! (alam, sue, dilhan, fir black and alfian) Zack and me met up with them (except dilhan, he was late!) at geylang at Tanjong Pagar Complex. It was DAMN crowded that day! (well what do you EXPECT, it was the weekends...)
It was good to see them lar... It has been a while since we last saw them and hung out with them. Thay all look good and healthy lar. Alhamdulillah to that.
Especially Dilhan and Alfian, you guys looked GREAT even after suffering from the past unforutnate events.
Since Dilhan was so damn late, we decided to head down to haig road to eat. We got there quite late, at about 6.55p.m, I think. It was jam pack. The tables were almost fully occupied. But luckily for us there was one empty table left. We ordered three mee goreng (sue, alam and fir black), two me quah (Zack and alfian) and one murtabak ayam (me). We were the last to order... And you know what?! Because of the unefficient stall holders we got our food set up at the table earlier than the early birds! ahaha! Each time the Mama comes with the food in his hand announcing the the orders, we would be the one raisings our hands for the ones we ordered. And the food keeps coming and coming... Sue was quite worried that we might be taking the orders of the early birds. But then again, things turned out fine after all. Everyone got their food later but noone grumbled and they had their dinner on time. So no pressure.
Finally, when we had our fill Dilhan arrived. So after that we walked around the bazar. And satisfy our cravings with deng deng! Mmmmm Yuuuummmy! We also had telur penyuh (turtle eggs), MY FAVOURITE. Suck suck like sucking mucous into ur mouth. But for alfian its like semen la. Weirdly enough, but only for him lar... Bleargh! And then the most gross thing was that while alfian was telling Zack about a video of a girl who regurgitate and swallow back her vomit, alam got psyched by it while hearing the story which he then made a puke which darted out of his mouth and it was red-ish in colour! God, I was grossed out lar! I didnt even want to stand anywhere near him, cause I don't want to smell the lingering smell of vomit.
The heat was very intense, at the bazar so we decided to buy some snacks and head down over at Joo Chiat to chill out at the 5th floor where the place where we used to have our passports made. When we got there, we sat down and started munching into the goodies. Then they started talking all kinds of crap. Like what kind of weapons you would bring if you go back to the past during the medieval times. And the boys came up with all kinds of ideas! Like light-saber lar, catapults with broken up rocks or sharp traingular as ammos. And then the conversation led into subject on sex toys and then about terrible accidents that people faced when they do extreme sports like skateboarding. The worst I heard by far was when the scrotum tore and and the testicles dropped out... Ouch! It was very entertaining to have them around. ahahaha!! The boys talked alot of crap and talk alot of jokes which left me laughing my heads off. A day of fun. Hope we could do this again one day.
Latest news: I my interview for the teaching thing was successful. And I recieved the letter of appointment. I am happy that I got it. But then...
I got it. I am happy about it. But not as estatic or enthusiatic about it. Maybe it is because of the low pay. Deep down I felt that I could do something more. I don't know whether this is really what I want.
* 10:47 PM
Selamat Berpuase 2007
To all Umat Islam
* 2:36 PM
Getting it off, of my chest!Some friend you ARE! You're such a hypocrite. Pot calling the kettle black. It takes one to know the other, don't you think? You are fake yourself! The thing is, it is not people's fault to judge, you gave that impression. For all I know, I know the truth and I stood by you. Bare in mind that my life do not only revolve around one person it is many. And I am setting my priority straight. I have a responsibility over myself. I don't have the kind of freedom that you get.
I've realise this. Throughout the years of our friendship, I find that I don't know you at all. It is my fault, I understand that because I was not there for you. But all this time when you call me out, ask me out, I try as much as I can within my means to be out with you. But I realise this, you don't value me. All you needed was a companion on all your outings. And you had people whom you called close friends but they jilted you in the end. And to think these people know everything even the utmost little details about you. Where do I stand? Don't forget your other half of 3 years also judged your friends. And I find it normal. So before you ask me out, ask yourself whether you value me, our friendship as we thought it should be. If not don't ask me out at all.
Wait I FORGET! It is just in the nature of a person to say one thing, but mean the other.
P.S: Might I remind you, please do hide ur big underwear no one wants to see it, esp my dad. It is so obvious, like huge a map at your back.The point is, I stood by you.
I knew the truth...
And I stood by you.
But it don't matter to you right?
It don't.* 4:01 PM
Sayang!!! The IKea Catalogue 2008 is HERE!!!! YOu know I know what I want okay? Haha! The trend now is my trend, the black trend... I figure it out before they did! ahaha! What a coincidence?! OKi... Enough...
yang, you love me kan? I love you... Pleaseee.... Boleh eh? Boleh eh?
* 7:38 PM
You Superficial Bitch!!! Anywayz, wish me luck for today... HAh!
* 11:22 AM
