In Dedication To You...Have anyone warned you that you are about to explode at any moment after listening to your woes that you kept so deep in your heart? If so, what would be your sentiments? Would exploding bring a positive or negative outlook? Most of the time when someone who console you mentions about your impending explosion of your bottled up feelings, it refers to you loosing your mind or going insane. But for me, otherwise, exploding is a sense of relieving yourself from all that pain, hurt and stress. Exploding has, both it positive and negative effects. However, if you would notice, the positive form of exploding has a silent shadow cast upon it which grows along the way. If it grows too big, this shadow rages and swallow it.
I used to be that girl, the girl who bottled up her feelings. In situations when it gets too emotional, I would suck it in and tell myself in a high-pitched-fake-happy-voice to smile. And seriously, I was quiet good at it then. But now things are different when he came into my life. When I am down and preferred to hide in my cave he lured me out and held my hand, promising me great happiness. I was reluctant initially, hesitant about going with the flow by letting myself go so he could take care of me. Yet the persuasive talks bring me to trust him. And therefore till today, I depend on him. He care for me by allowing me to spill my tears. To explode and overflow profusely. Thats when tearing became so easy. Thats when tears become a sign of dependence, a sign of relief. From then on, it became a vicious cycle. Each time I get upset, I would not suck it in and give a big smile, I would just tear and cry and try to get things my way. Tears of relief becomes an addiction like consuming alcohol to make yourself feel better. I am not proud of this. It is sad to say that, I am not good at handling my emotions. And how shameful can that be... To an extent, that before the bottle could be filled to the top, to full brim, I poured it all out emptying it all over again. This is called low tolerance. And so, I have low tolerance towards everything. I became short tempered, sad and happy as and when I wanted to like the winds changing its direction...
Hurt... People say that when we get hurt, it teaches us to be stronger and our hearts will heal. Well I beg to differ. Getting hurt will only bring you immunity but not strength. The reason being when people associate hurt with strength because hurt teaches you a lesson never to make the same mistake again. But on the other it doesn't teach you to make the same mistake again. You become immune because you avoid making the same mistakes. Because most of the time when you get hurt you will avoid it, synonym to the phrase, " once bitten, twice shy". But it has never occurred to you the same mistakes that reappears again was left there for you to overcome it.
Maybe I am just talking crap. But there are some things that I've learned have never remind me them. So I this crap is just a reminder for me, to be strong and be bold.
* 12:53 PM
